How did my life come to be the way it is?
It is Memorial Day 2015. I woke up early and my first thoughts were that of my wife and I arguing the night before. She was still asleep, however I do remember her waking up with discomfort in her chest and even though there was a little anger between us, I still got up and brought her the medicine our doctor had prescribed for acid reflux, which has been an ongoing problem.
Anyway, like I said, I am somewhat perplexed as to what has been going on (wrong?) with my life lately. It seems I can do nothing right. I feel alienated with my four older children. For different reasons, but it seems the problem in every case is mine. I don’t know what to do to get my life back on track.
My wife and I have been very busy with the process of getting her parents VISAs to come to the United States. This has been a costly and at times stressful process where my wife and I disagreed in many instances when it came to taking action on certain aspects of this process.
Since early this year (January), It just seems that all my interactions with my older children have been a bit negative. I like to think that I was too busy with the VISA process that I just felt a little too short on time to spend with them. I have been going weeks…in fact it feels like months…since I have seen my grand children. My oldest gran daughter lives in Tennessee because my son-in-law is in the military and that is where they live. It has been hard to organize a visit to spend any time with her and my daughter, and I feel the majority of the reason is my fault.
My one son had always made a point to bring my other grand-daughter over from time to time to hang out, until one time in late winter/early spring, he had to go away for military training. A couple of weeks had gone by and I was really ‘jonesing’ to visit with my grand children, so I started a group text with my kids and their spouse to let them know I was really missing my grand children. The response I got from my daughter was photos being texted to me from Tennessee of my grand-daughter. They were great. In the case of my younger (middle) son, his wife sent me photos of my grandson. I thanked them profusely. In the case of my other son, who was out-of-town training, I got nothing. At one point, he had given me a key to his home and also informed me that I was on the list for visitation to see his daughter at the day care anytime I wanted to go visit. I am planning to return his key, as I no longer feel welcome at his home.
So, in the absence of any response, I texted the group that I was just going to go visit her at the daycare. My son even texted back that I should take some photos for him, since he was out-of-town. When I got to the daycare, my grand-daughter had just laid down for a nap, so they told me to come back at 2PM (about 90 minutes later) and she would be awake. I met with my other daughter for lunch and after that, she worked it out so she could go with me to visit my grand-daughter (her niece). We got back to the day care, and my grand-daughter was happy to see a familiar face. We hugged and kissed her….and my daughter played with her while I took some photos to send to my son.
So, with the photos from my daughter in law and the photos from my daughter in Tennessee as well as a visit to the day care, my need to be with my grand kids was pretty much satisfied. I felt better and my son loved the photos.
Later that evening, my daughter in law calls me and before I could say how wonderful a job she was doing with my grand-daughter, she explodes with ‘How dare you go to the day care, without my permission!’ (Keep in mind she was part of the group texts from earlier that day). I asked her what she was talking about…that my son had told me I had the right to go visit her anytime it was convenient for me to do so. She then went on a tirade about how she and my son were her parents and that I overstepped my bounds, going behind her back doing something I felt I had the privilege to do. Then she really started yelling. I had to hang up on her. Since the call was on speaker (and on auto-record), my wife and daughter (who went to visit my grand-daughter with me) both came in and asked what that was about? I told her that my son’s wife had her butt hurting because I went to visit my grand-daughter. They both thought my daughter in law lost her mind. We considered maybe there was a problem going on between her and my son and it was being taken out on me. Might never know.
I have seen my grand-daughter one time since then. I believe my daughter in law is purposely keeping her away from me (and at the same time denying her daughter to have a relationship with her grand father), because of the nonsense described above. Also, I have not seen my grand son more than once since this took place either. They no longer come to visit. I know I am not the most entertaining person to hang around any more (especially with all the stress going on with the VISAs), but I would think that they missed me too….right??
My two daughters used to call me all the time. Now…the phone calls are few and far between. My older daughter had needed help at the beginning of the year, and I was here for her. I helped her through her problems and she stayed here in my house until she got back on her feet and got a good job. I don’t want to go into the details in this blog about her ‘problems.’ That will be another day. She is a great young lady and is always smiling…however, here of late, I don’t see or speak to her very much.
My younger daughter, in Tennessee use to call me quite frequently as well. We would talk for a long time and I would get to chat with my grand-daughter. I enjoyed our conversations. But as I said…she USED to call frequently.
The last time I spoke with my middle son, he and his wife were planning a joint birthday celebration at a point half way between her birthday and his. The way it was described made me believe it was going to be quite the gala event, but they
were doing this at a bar downtown and children were not allowed to attend. This caused me two problems, 1) I do not like going to places where alcohol is served and 2) Since my wife was working, I had rather spent the evening home with my 9
year old son. I informed them that my wife and I were not going to make it. I have not heard from them, nor seen my grand son since.
So, here I am on Memorial Day, feeling sorry for myself, fighting with my wife, alienated with my older children and not getting to spend anytime with my grand children. It has been a pretty bad couple of days.
One thing I don’t understand about the situation with my oldest son’s wife, is that she got very angry with me for going to visit my grand-daughter at day care, but she harbored no ill feelings for my daughter (her sister-in-law) who was there with me. I am beginning to feel that she does not trust me with my grand-daughter (even though I would not hesitate to do what needs to be done to keep her from harm). After thinking about that, it occurred to me that my middle son and his wife has never let their son stay over night here at my house. My younger son loves his nephew and again, his safety would be the most important thing on my mind during his visit.
I needed to get this all out there. Maybe now I can start to accept the situation I am dealing with. My son suggested I apologize to his wife for doing something I was told I was free to do…..but I do not think my dropping to my knees and
begging for forgiveness will change anything. Hopefully, as time passes, things will improve.