Fear

My weight has brought on a fear that I have not thought about fully in the past. I have been very reckless in what I eat and my lack of daily exercise.

I don’t remember the last time I made a blog entry here. I have stopped keeping track of my food intake. I found it hard. I am lazy. I have no motivation. I take that back, I have motivation all around me, my 5 children…..my 5 grandchildren, my wife, my siblings….all who I feel should not have to face my dying at such an early age.

In the last 5 years, I have gained 50+ pounds to my already obese frame. I have been hospitalized 3 times, received a pacemaker because my heart rate had been dropping below 30 bpm, suffer from congestive heart failure (which has been getting worse), tried dietitians, several different dietary plans found online, of which, I thought a couple of them had promise, but the problem was my lack of personal motivation.

I live through hills and valleys. I am diabetic and my glucose ranges from 130-290, depending on what I broke down and ate the night before. Most of the time, it is snacks like pretzels, popcorn or corn chips. (I said….I am weak) I give in to my craving far too easy. Sometimes I go to sleep so pissed off that I awake angry at myself…but hungry.

I have tried many things…including exercise with my spouse. I am weak. I must eat. I cannot control it most times. I have been to the gastro-bypass seminar and have filled out the paperwork to begin the process to start planning the surgery….but, I am scared….I have become so lazy. If I watch TV….I have to eat. When I exercise, all I think about during it….is eating. I wonder if hypnotism would work? Does it ever work? For anything? Grrrr…..so much to deal with….the dietitian. the mental health evaluation, the changes I must make in my daily routine….then the surgery, recovery and weekly meetings ….the new vitamin regime … trying to avoid food. I am hoping that after I eat my first meal after the surgery, that I find it excruciatingly hard to handle, making me want to avoid eating unless absolutely necessary. I am scared about going through with this, but I am also scared about the road I am heading down….

I….must….make….changes….in ….my….life!!

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